Well...since I have been sick since Monday morning with the stomach flu and have seen Hayden for about 30 minutes total in that time...including using Skype twice with my parents, Kelsea has had to fill me in on the updates. It seems like we finally turned a corner yesterday!
The following is also from Kelsea since I have been in bed for 2.5 days...
Isaiah
42:16
16 I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.
16 I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.
My dearest Hayden,
It is
hard to believe that you have been with us for a little over eleven days
now. I can still barely wrap my head
around it. You are so perfect in every
way … Already you have taught me to love in a way that I never knew
possible. For four and a half long
months, I worried about you so much. In
the beginning I remember being very scared for you, and selfishly, scared for
me. I had already lost one baby, and was
so scared that I was going to lose you too. I loved you so much from the minute
I found out you were growing inside of me.
I had prayed for you (well, I didn’t know it was going to be YOU), but I
had prayed for a child for so long, and yet, somehow, I was still skeptical that
God would answer my prayers. Although I
knew it wasn’t true, a part of me still felt like, because of the sinful past I
had lived, I didn’t deserve you. Thankfully, I know that we have a loving and
merciful God. I know this because he gave me you …
I am so
grateful for little, six pound, two ounce YOU.
At our first appointment, when we found out about your omphalocele, the
doctor was almost apologetic … Daddy and I could tell from her voice that she
was very worried about whether or not you would be able to “make it” in this
world. We were scared, but also hopeful
… and so began our journey of prayer and dependence on God to see you safely
into the world. We made many, many (for
once, this may be an under-exaggeration … no “Kelsea factor” required to
account for my propensity for making up or over-exaggerating numbers) trips to
different doctors, some of whom were cautiously optimistic, about your odds,
and some of whom were not so much … We did lots of reading, most of which
scared me more than it helped. Luckily,
you were blessed with a Daddy who has big shoulders and could “handle” most of
the tough stuff, while I tried to focus only on stories of other “O” babies who
had positive outcomes.
I
noticed that my prayers changed over time as God worked in my heart. I remember nights of sobbing and crying out
to God that I just wanted to get to see your little face, even if that was all
I got to do. Then, came nights of sobbing
and praying that I would get to touch you, or at least hold you if the “unthinkable”
were to happen. Then, as we continued to
pray, and you continued to clear each hurdle along the way, God began to allow
me to see the possibilities of all that you could be. First, we saw a two hemisphere brain, then a
four chambered heart, a clean bill of health on the chromosomal testing, ten
non-sandal footed toes, arms and legs of the perfect length, no cleft palate,
and eventually, a heart that showed no signs of defect. You passed each of your non-stress tests
(NSTs) and biophysical profiles (BPPs)
with flying colors, and as the days and months passed, God revealed to me in my
heart that you were going not only to make it, but to thrive.
Then,
near the end of our journey, I read some posts in a Mothers of Ompahlocele
support group about “O” babies who appeared to be perfectly fine, but whose
lungs just couldn’t tolerate the pressure of their “O” and were unable to
survive outside of the womb. I shared
with the ladies of Columbus Road Church, who attended your baby shower, some of
my specific worries (mostly about lung development and you being able to
breathe). Our church held a special prayer service just for you (and we know
that many, many other congregations and individuals had also adopted you in
prayer). We prayed for very specific
things, a full term birth (we ALMOST made it … one day shy), a smooth surgery
for both mommy and you, a big scream right when you came out (thank you very much
for complying!), that we could see you, touch you, that you would be
stabilized, that we would be able to hold you, to feed you, that you would be
able to digest food, and the list goes on.
The
most amazing part of it all is that within 48 hours of your birth, pretty much
every specific prayer request on that list had been answered. Is God good or what? You came out screaming, and pooped while
doctors were still stitching me up. You
grasped mommy and daddy’s fingers before being whisked away to the NICU,
and you required oxygen for only a few
hours your first night. Mommy got to see
you and touch you about 8 hours after you were delivered and got to hold you
the very next day. Daddy did the most
precious and selfless thing ever by
waiting to hold you so that I could be the first. He knew how very special this moment would be
for me. As I sat in my wheel chair,
watching and waiting as the nurse attempted to “free” you from all of your
cords and wires, the anticipation built, and I became overwhelmed with love and
joy. I just could not believe how gracious
God had been to grant me this, my wish to hold my son, so soon after he was
born, when all the reading and research I had done had prepared me that this
might not happen for a very long time. But
as I have learned, the statistics don’t matter when God has a plan. By the time the nurse put you in my arms, my
lips were quivering and the tears were streaming down my face. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever
seen.
Imagine
my surprise and elation again, when, before I had even been discharged from the
hospital, the nurse asked if I wanted to try some skin-to-skin time, then
again, when the lactation consultant came and offered that I could try “taking
you to breast”. She couldn’t even
believe it. I think she went to check
with three or four different doctors before we began because she just couldn’t
believe that they were going to let a baby with an omphalocele try to nurse so
quickly. “They’re usually just so sick,”
she had told me. But not you … because
God had his hands on you. He made you so
special. The first time I nursed (well,
attempted anyway … you had other plans for a lazy afternoon nap), I looked down
and thought to myself how beautiful you were and how your “O” and I were
designed to fit perfectly together like a puzzle, your belly right between my boobs ... (Am I allowed to say that on
here?) But it’s true. We were a perfect fit. You nuzzled right up and fell asleep.
Hayden,
my precious child, I cannot explain to you the depth of my love or devotion …
God made you so perfect and so special … Not just any kind of special, but a
one in ten thousand kind of special. You
are so loved by so many, but by none more than your mother (your father might
disagree, but that’s okay … I’ll let him think that he’s right … I have to do
that every now and then.) As my mother
put it in a letter that she wrote to you, back before we knew exactly what your
life would be like, “many people in this sinful world might think that because you
will not be “perfect”, you would have little or no value.” By the grace of God, your Mommy and Daddy
knew differently. We had decided early
on (decided really isn’t the right word, because for us, it was never a choice
… it was simple, immediate acceptance), that we would love you and accept you
regardless of your abilities or disabilities … and while we know you still face
many challenges in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead, we are so blessed
that you have renewed our faith in a gracious, merciful, loving God. ). You are a light in a dark and sinful world, a
light that shines brightly and gives hope to so many who desperately need a
savior. Keep shining little man.
All my love,
Your mother
When the stars came
crashing down
In tiny pieces to the ground
I was all alone down here
Trapped beneath the atmosphere
Then I, thought somebody called my name
I spun around and caught a flame
I gave into a God I didn't know
And now everything is falling into place
A brand new life is calling and I owe it all to grace
It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
When a heart is cold as ice
You can't melt it with advice
No one wants to listen to
A list of things they shouldn't do
So I build a city on a hill
And I light a candle on the sill
Knowing you'll be always knocking at the door
Oh God I just want to love on everyone
All I have is yours to give so let the people come
It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
im learning to be the light
that makes the shadows hide
the light that breaks the curse of pride
the light that takes the weary in it's arms
When it all came crashing down
There was only darkness all around
But in the distance I could see
A Flame
It's So much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone, and I mean everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
In tiny pieces to the ground
I was all alone down here
Trapped beneath the atmosphere
Then I, thought somebody called my name
I spun around and caught a flame
I gave into a God I didn't know
And now everything is falling into place
A brand new life is calling and I owe it all to grace
It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
When a heart is cold as ice
You can't melt it with advice
No one wants to listen to
A list of things they shouldn't do
So I build a city on a hill
And I light a candle on the sill
Knowing you'll be always knocking at the door
Oh God I just want to love on everyone
All I have is yours to give so let the people come
It's so much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
im learning to be the light
that makes the shadows hide
the light that breaks the curse of pride
the light that takes the weary in it's arms
When it all came crashing down
There was only darkness all around
But in the distance I could see
A Flame
It's So much brighter living in your world
Savior what you did for me
You gave me something I want everyone, and I mean everyone to see
When we stumble and it all goes wrong
Only you can make it right
So I say oh oh oh oh oh
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
whoa, whoa
I'm learning to be the light
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