Monday, November 26, 2012

Your Presence

I'm not much of a "book" reader, but I read. I read online stories, keep up to date with the news around the state, country, and world, and I have recently become more of a follower of blogs and reading other people's accounts about their lives, their trials, and their tribulations, especially those regarding revolving around families who have had pregancies with babies who have omphaloceles.

Two nights ago, I found one that really drew me in. A lady was talking about her pregnancy and everything milestone she wrote about, I followed along right on the edge of my seat. It was from 3 years ago, but her story was very similar to mine and Kelsea's. The week they found out (the week they went in for the ultrasound to find out if they were having a boy or a girl), their ensuing trips to a specialists, the level II ultrasounds, and the echos. Everything was right on. Even down to this lady's wonderful attitude regarding God's plan for her baby boy. As the weeks progressed, I felt like I was getting closer to this family and pulling and praying for them, even though this was three years ago. However, towards the end of her pregnancy, a weekly check-up revealed that his heart had stopped beating.

I was completely devastated. It was like a horrible ending to a really, REALLY good movie. It was the ending that nobody ever expected. All through it all, this lady kept a positive attitude and gave all credit to God, even in the end, after her baby boy's heart stopped beating. For the past two days, I have once again, tried to take on the world all by myself. Instead of putting my faith in God's hands, I tired to worry the hours away. The past 48 hours were miserable. I tried to do it myself, but as always, it doesn't work. All I could think about for the past two days was that Hayden's heart was still beating strong and we would push on through another week.

As I sat in my truck tonight, waiting for Kelsea at QMG, I opened up to God and asked Him to forgive me for not leaning on Him. I asked Him to forgive me for not putting my worries on Him. Of course, our God is a good God and he forgave me. He also once again showed me His plan and I felt like a fool for not putting full trust in the Lord. As we left the doctor tonight, I was still full of adrenaline after hearing Hayden's heart, this song was on the radio.

I am not a musically inclined person, but music has always connected with me. It is more than just the sound. When you really listen to the lyrics, it is amazing what message people are able to convey.

"Let me hear Your voice,
 For Your voice is sweet.......
I love Your embrace
I love Your presence..........
Your desire is for me
Nothing can change Your mind."
I know it will happen again, but the last line of the song really got me. His desire truly is for me, and there is nothing I can do that will change His mind. It is His plan, and it will continue. I just ask God, that You give me the vision to see more clearly what Your plan is so I can help carry it out.
Kelsea got her Rogam shot tonight (RH- Blood), had her Glucose testing done, which she said she could drink that stuff all night long, measured in at 29 weeks (which is good considering we are 29 weeks!), and discussed more with our local doctor about the non-stress testing (NST). She reaffirmed what Kelsea and I both felt, that the NST at this time would not be an option because it can produce a false-positive for a problem and Hayden would be forced to join us early in this world, and we don't want that! All is good. We are good. We are even considering cloth diapering.......    Call us crazy...maybe! Smart.......maybe! All part of the options to weight over the next few weeks.
We head to St. Louis again Thursday for our next ultrasound and appointment with the specialist. Althought not looking forward to the quick turnaround on the drive, we are looking forward to seeing our little Hayden again on the black and white screen!

1 comment:

  1. Hi Andy & Kelsea,

    My name is Caroline and my Aunt Ann Moller sent me information about your family/family to be:) My husband and I have an almost 3 year old liver "o" boy! His name is Ian and he is wonderful. We live in Champaign, IL, and will be coming to the Quincy area Dec. 8/9. Please let me know if you would like to get together to talk. If not, please feel free to email me:)