|Kelsea (and Tucker) @ 32 weeks|
There is absolutely no way or no thing, other than God, that could have put so many things in place, over years and miles, that could have better put two people together to help me find my way. For another perspective on this view, this post from October shows just how God is always working. This thought has been prevalent in many, many people's minds the past four days. Many people are questioning how God could let a tragedy happen in Connecticut like last Friday. It is heartbreaking and it makes one sick to their stomach to think about what this person did. However, we can't question God and His intentions. In Luke 4:12, Jesus tells us it is not our place to test Him. Even though we don't like what we see, we have believe that He has a plan that is far greater than ours and we should not make Him prove it. That is so hard to do, but if we begin to question things that happen in life, it puts us back to square one. The only way to make it to the promised land is to believe that we are saved by grace through our faith. When we doubt God and we begin to question His plan, Satan is winning and we seperate ourselves from God.
Staying strong in your faith and trusting in His plan is what this life is all about. Kelsea and I have done a pretty good job of this over the past few months. However tonight, we had a breakdown. We both have the things we want in life and the things we want for Hayden. While trying to live the normal pregnancy (is there such a thing) while still planning for the reality of what we will possibly be dealing with, the pressure finally hit us tonight. We both want a beautiful nursery with the finest decorations and accessories available to mankind, although we also both know those are not the things we need to have. We both hit a wall tonight emotionally. It sucked! We have become pretty good communicators, thanks mostly to the ONE Marriage class Scott and Allison led us through at church before we got married, but in the hopes of trying to forget about the future that awaits us, we have slipped on letting our emotions out. Well, they came out tonight, along with quite a few tears. The best thing though, was we were right there with each other (along with a dog who was emphatically trying to persuade us that if we let him have just one of Tucker's toys, he would make us smile!).
Even though things have been "good" I have been living with a huge amount of stress for the past three months (and my neck has told me every day for exactly the past three months). Kelsea helps remind me that God will take care of things and as the title of my blog states, I know he wouldn't lead me somewhere and then leave me to fend for myself. However, it is hard to not worry about how your life will be in the future. For three straight months, I have worried about my wife's health, my unborn son's Omphalocele, will we get to hold him that day, that week, that month he is born. I worry about the helplessness I'm going to feel as we sit in the NICU and he is attached to tubes and machines and there won't be a single thing I can do except watch and pray. I worry about medical bills and house bills, and car bills, when Kelsea doesn't return to work this Spring. I worry about what the future holds if she stays home with Hayden next year because of his Omphalocele and how we will make it. I worry about Kelsea being in St. Louis for two weeks without me. I know, I know. I need to put my worries onto God and He will move those mountains. However, it is hard. I am such a planner and right now, I feel as though I can't plan because I don't knowwhat the future holds.
However, we never really know what the future holds; only God knows this. Even on this night of self-pity, my heart aches for so many people around the world. A dear friend of mine found out that, after a successful surgery over a month to correct TTTS, she recently lost one of her unborn twins. I also think about the parents of the childrent and adults who were killed in Connecticut. I can't imagine what they are going through and how difficult it would be to wake up knowing somebody took the life of your child and they are no longer with you. I pray that they all find comfort in the Lord's unseen plan. I know they say that only time can heal these wounds, but I don't know how time would do that.
I do know that time has flown by the past three months and that these next few weeks will go by even faster. It is scary to think that 5 weeks from right now, I will be sitting in the NICU at Children's in St. Louis, hopefully watching over a sleeping beautiful baby boy. The doctors have set a tentative date for Kelsea's C-section of January 21st. FIVE WEEKS! We hope to get that date in stone on Wednesday when we go back to St. Louis for our next appoitnment. I am also very happy that my parents will be meeting us in St. Louis Wednesday morning on their way home. They left Florida tonight, with Hannah Ho in tow, (Kelle and Jay's dog) and have no return date set. We are so thankful for them coming our direction and giving up their lives to gives us whatever support we may need. I also want to thank evrybody around the world (literally) who has sent cards, prayers, and love and support. Even though we are not able to respond to every single one of you (we received 11 cards today) I want to let you know how much it means to us when we sit down and read through every single letter, prayer card, scripture, etc.... I am looking forward to the day that we let every single one of you know just how your prayers changed our lives forever! Until that time......